Saturday, 3 May 2014

Every time

I fall asleep I still have nightmares about that night- that ugly creature coming through Father Brien and how awful it felt. I see their horrible bleeding eyes and I wake up with hymns in my head and I hate it. I used to love those songs but they make me feel sick now. My head hurts and it’s not helping that Fell and Hart keep fighting. Fell looks really sick and only leaves her room to do her job or get supplies. Hart looks tired.

I’m still trying to figure out what to do. Part of me says I should leave the next time we head out for supplies. I know Fell only sees Father Brien and the others when she looks at me. Maybe it’s for the best. But on the other hand, Stitch says I’m where I need to be right now. It’s quieter here. Happier. I don’t know if I should listen to it but it wasn’t lying to me before and it is nice to have that little bit of peace in my head.
Hart is training me while I’m here which is making me feel useful and keeps me from replaying what happened with Father Brien and the others in my mind while I’m awake. I keep thinking that I should have yelled and screamed and kicked every time my parents tried to bring me to that church, maybe then they would have given up and we could have gone to another one at least, maybe avoid all this. They can’t all be like this but maybe they are. If not then maybe I could have convinced Lacey. Or after Stitch started talking to me I should have grabbed some of the others and dragged them out. Save someone at least. Stitch says they couldn’t be saved. Stitch says it wasn’t my fault what happened to them. Stitch is being nice. Hart is being nice. Father Brien was being nice up until he locked me away and tried to kill me- I know I would have died if KnitWolf hadn’t been there - and he was like a father to me after he got my family killed. No maybe that’s wrong. I believed the lie too but I was wrong, so maybe it was the same for him.


  1. You've gotten smarter kid. Trust me, Stitch is a gift for you, it will stay with you forever, it will be your best friend.

    Don't dwell too much on the past, what happened, happened, now you have a bright future up ahead of you. Good job on Harts part, he is pulling through the major loss. Don't mind Fell, Fell is just a big child, who needs to wake up, get her bitchiness out of her ass for a few seconds and open her eyes.

    As for you, you do whatever you want now, there is no Father Brien, there is no Knitty, your not being held captive, you've exposed all the lies. Time to make your own decisions and I'll tell you now, any decision you make, is the right decision. Don't let Fear limit you, like it once did.

    1. Have I? I don't know, it's not like I figured this stuff out on my own. Like if someone told you that if you go out on a clear night you can see the stars and then dragged you outside to show you it was true. You couldn't deny it then because you had just been forced to see the truth.

      I still don't understand why she did it though. At first I just figured she wanted me to suffer longer, but the more I think about it, that doesn't really fit. If Stitch is a gift, then why would she want to give me that? We were enemies.

      I think what I'm going to do, is to stay here for a little while longer, at least. There is still stuff I can learn and do here.

    2. Oh god, don't listen to Kelevra, I did that and look where I ended up... (No offence, Kelevra; if I was in a room with you, a kitten and a puppy, and I could only give two hugs, I'd hug you twice.)

      Laura, how you found the truth doesn't matter; you know it and that's what is important.

      Same that you don't need to understand why she did it, she did it and now you have to find a way to live with it.

    3. @Whelp: True, but it takes a smart person to accept what they were given, a fool would simply deny it, just like Father Brien.

      Enemies? How do you know? Did she ever tell you, that you were enemies? Ever heard of an expression "Tough Love"? While I doubt that she loved you, I believe she had pity on you, I mean, you were a child, naive and defenseless, surrounded by people who were clearly lying to you. Knitty might have one some awful things. but at the core, she was human. No matter how monstrous we seem, we are all humans and we are susceptible to feelings.

      Take some time to think about what you'e going to do next, you have all the time in the world.

      @Minxie: Of course you would, we are friends after all, I'm also glad that you are ok, told you, you could kick Artyomka's ass if you stop panicking for a second.

    4. Maybe she wanted you to learn something? Looking back on what she wanted from Roy- the whole learning from his mistakes thing- maybe it's the same for you?

      For what it's worth, if you want to talk about this I'm here in the same cabin and I'll listen

    5. Sanna: I didn't listen to him or anyone else before and look what happened. I'm not saying that I'm going to start doing whatever he says. I'm just trying to sort things out in my head and I figure I might be better off if I let myself consider different ideas. I might be wrong but I'm hoping it will help me deal with this a bit better.

      Also, if you don't mind, please just call me Whelp, not Laura.

      Hart: Thanks. I just figured that you had a lot to deal with already

    6. Yeah well that doesn't matter. You're still a kid and I'm an adult so I'm the one who should be taking the brunt of the shit storm and offering support. Hell knows somebody has to take some responsibility here

    7. Hey kid, how about you listen to me, real carefully, when I say... Kill all proxies. I mean, they got you into this mess, and nobody's gonna miss them.